Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
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Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
And now we wait
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.