Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of batkaren's best tweets

@batkaren : BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks ME: What's so hard? "We need to make cutbacks" See? Piece of cake BOSS: Getting easier

@batkaren: Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

@batkaren: Kids today'll bang just about anywhere

@batkaren: Dinosaurs never could've survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It'd be totally ridiculous in 2017.

@batkaren: TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell'd Ray go?

@batkaren: I stand at airplane arrival gates with a "SAMANTHA" sign, then cry after everyone's exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

@batkaren: "I shit you not"
- Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

@batkaren: ME: Take care of my cat while I'm away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

@batkaren: [finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

@batkaren: We've secretly replaced Janet's coffee with melatonin capsules. Let's see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…