Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of batkaren's best tweets

@batkaren : My monster costume for Halloween's just going to be whispering, "better hope it's not the poisoned one," to kids when I hand out candy.

@batkaren: Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

@batkaren: "You're auditioning for Scrooge," the casting agent says. "No family, no one loves you—"

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.

@batkaren: BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What's so hard? "We need to make cutbacks" See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

@batkaren: Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

@batkaren: Kids today'll bang just about anywhere

@batkaren: Dinosaurs never could've survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It'd be totally ridiculous in 2017.

@batkaren: TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell'd Ray go?

@batkaren: I stand at airplane arrival gates with a "SAMANTHA" sign, then cry after everyone's exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

@batkaren: "I shit you not"
- Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom