Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of batkaren's best tweets

@batkaren : HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES - set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries - find them 3 months later - look both ways - slip them into the trash

@batkaren: "Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence," I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

@batkaren: Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

@batkaren: Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

@batkaren: As if it weren't bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why's the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

@batkaren: Babe, calm down. I don't think you heard me. They're MAGIC beans.

@batkaren: MARY: Your welcome...
JON: It's "you're" welcome.
MARY: overstayed.

@batkaren: Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I'd start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next...

@batkaren: "And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!"

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

@batkaren: "Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!" the game show host says.

"Excited to be here!" I tell him.

The host eyes me. "Are you?"

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

"Light up her pants, guys," the host orders.