Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of batkaren's best tweets

@batkaren : As if it weren't bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why's the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

@batkaren: Babe, calm down. I don't think you heard me. They're MAGIC beans.

@batkaren: MARY: Your welcome...
JON: It's "you're" welcome.
MARY: ...is overstayed.

@batkaren: Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I'd start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next...

@batkaren: "And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!"

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

@batkaren: "Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!" the game show host says.

"Excited to be here!" I tell him.

The host eyes me. "Are you?"

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

"Light up her pants, guys," the host orders.

@batkaren: *medication may cause
- hair cramps
- tongue mold
- restless skin syndrome
- pomegranate ear
- swamp lip
- knee teeth

@batkaren: Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

@batkaren: Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

@batkaren: My monster costume for Halloween's just going to be whispering, "better hope it's not the poisoned one," to kids when I hand out candy.