I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
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With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
🏙👨🏼
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake