THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
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I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
rich people when they have to pay taxes
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you