So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
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I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Why am I like this?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.