An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
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I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over