haha same
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#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
this is the best interaction on twitter
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud