I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
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Never go to sleep after making me angry
ibopfufen
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.