Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

If bad ads/pop-ups are redirecting you, please take a screenshot and email it to [email protected]. Help us keep the site clean!

Page of beefman138's best tweets

@beefman138 : People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

@beefman138: Historian : Rome wasn't built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He's right, you know, it was built in Italy.

@beefman138: My local police department must really love me.
They've devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as 'outstanding'.

@beefman138: A coworker just told me that "it is what it is" and I have never felt so enlightened.

@beefman138: Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

@beefman138: If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : "He said, stupidly."

@beefman138: 3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can't watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

@beefman138: I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

@beefman138: I meant to type : You're dear to me.
I actually typed : You're dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

@beefman138: I am fairly well educated, but not 'knows every nuance of the English language' educated.

I also have no idea what 'nuance' means.