Funny Tweeter

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Page of beefman138's best tweets

@beefman138 : If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : "He said, stupidly."

@beefman138: 3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can't watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

@beefman138: I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

@beefman138: I meant to type : You're dear to me.
I actually typed : You're dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

@beefman138: I am fairly well educated, but not 'knows every nuance of the English language' educated.

I also have no idea what 'nuance' means.

@beefman138: Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

@beefman138: "I'm not even going to dignify that with a response", she responded.

@beefman138: I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

@beefman138: Maternity.

Sounds like you're going to be pregnant forever.

@beefman138: What's your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.