@beefman138: You know you're getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
@beefman138: Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
@beefman138: A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
@beefman138: Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they're 'sexy.'
I post pics of my bodies and I'm a 'Serial Killer.'
@beefman138: Me : Here, I made you a 'Best Hits of 2017' CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
@beefman138: Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
- Alien Vs Creditor.