Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of beefman138's best tweets

@beefman138 : Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back. - Alien Vs Creditor.

@beefman138: The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

@beefman138: "I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don't want too many people knowing about it".

- Low key.

@beefman138: Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

@beefman138: [At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

@beefman138: Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that's all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

@beefman138: I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It's always "What's wrong with you?" and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

@beefman138: *Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh... yeah. The kids.

@beefman138: I'd congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here's a sympathy card and a case of wine.

@beefman138: [Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types "6 digits"*

Computer : You are an imbecile.