@beefman138: Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that's all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
@beefman138: I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It's always "What's wrong with you?" and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
@beefman138: *Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh... yeah. The kids.
@beefman138: I'd congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here's a sympathy card and a case of wine.
@beefman138: [Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types "6 digits"*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
@beefman138: When they told you to 'seek attention', they meant 'medical', not 'internet', psychopath.
@beefman138: Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can't they do it in a bed, like normal people?
@beefman138: I'm a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don't understand how people of differing religions can't get along.
@beefman138: People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?