Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of beefman138's best tweets

@beefman138 : Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

@beefman138: You know you're getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

@beefman138: Who called them 'horses' and not 'neigh-sayers?'

@beefman138: Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I'm busy.

@beefman138: Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

@beefman138: A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

@beefman138: Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they're 'sexy.'

I post pics of my bodies and I'm a 'Serial Killer.'

@beefman138: Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

@beefman138: Me : Here, I made you a 'Best Hits of 2017' CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

@beefman138: Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

- Alien Vs Creditor.