I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
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if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
bad news gang
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere