LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
You Might Also Like
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
looks legit
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son