Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
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It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.