Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
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[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
lmao
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.