My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
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My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
anyone else like Italian cereal