My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug