GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
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Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.