I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
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It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
i wish i could marry a nap
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
reduce, reuse, recycle
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright