I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
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no refunds
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
next question.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.