#MeanwhileInCanada
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Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much