I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
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I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.