Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”