Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
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I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Goat cheese is for herders.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.