Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
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Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.