@bigmacher: #ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I'm going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!
@bigmacher: Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother's love isn't enough for him.
@bigmacher: I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was 'damn you 2016!' but then i realized it was just his birthday.
@bigmacher: #IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don't have money to pay them.
@bigmacher: #MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her 'Wife'
@bigmacher: As long as Apple doesn't announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
@bigmacher: Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would've pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
@bigmacher: Me: "Hey towel, you're looking good. What u doing later?"
Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.