DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
A classic…
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.