“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Fiction has to make sense.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.