Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bingowings14's best tweets

@bingowings14 : [creating seals] Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing? God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

@bingowings14: This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

@bingowings14: [creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we're running low on colours.

@bingowings14: [My first day as a detective]
Me: It's one way glass he can't see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

@bingowings14: No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I'm yak toes intolerant.

@bingowings14: Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

@bingowings14: [first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I'll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

@bingowings14: 18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.