How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
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You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Merry Christmas
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Hey i am sexy to you now
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.