Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos