Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of blade_funner's best tweets

@blade_funner : I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

@blade_funner: wife: I'm having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have a baby as well.

@blade_funner: [me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?


Make a banana annoying.

@blade_funner: Friend:*terrified* don't make a sound and maybe the killer won't find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

@blade_funner: [the invention of ping pong]

"I don't want this tiny ball."

"Well, neither do I."

"That makes me very angry."

"Me too."

@blade_funner: [God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make 'em scream.

A: But -

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

@blade_funner: I want to be the person in every McDonald's whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

@blade_funner: Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don't need this shit.