Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of blade_funner's best tweets

@blade_funner : STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb? PERSON WHO DOESN'T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

@blade_funner: Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

@blade_funner: Don't go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

@blade_funner: The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

@blade_funner: Why isn't Spiderman's greatest enemy named Shoeman?

@blade_funner: Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

@blade_funner: [my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

@blade_funner: Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

@blade_funner: Brit: You don't say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

@blade_funner: [holding a device in my hand that contains the accumulated knowledge of mankind]

*search* Panda...playing...ukulele