@blade_funner: Don't go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
@blade_funner: The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
@blade_funner: Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
@blade_funner: [my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
@blade_funner: Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
@blade_funner: Brit: You don't say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
@blade_funner: [holding a device in my hand that contains the accumulated knowledge of mankind]