You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”