“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
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[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
No, he would not have.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.