Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
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Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing