You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
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went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..