If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
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Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Risking my life for fun.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs