If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
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“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.