13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
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[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.