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Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?