To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
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[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.