Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
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The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.