Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
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Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me