The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
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Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?