The two types of wives
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Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.