If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
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If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Bread puns are on the rise!
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid