Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bobvulfov's best tweets

@bobvulfov : ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook 84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

@bobvulfov: me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

@bobvulfov: day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

@bobvulfov: genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

@bobvulfov: genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn't working right now

@bobvulfov: 2008: i guess i'd prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

@bobvulfov: me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

@bobvulfov: hm so saying "oh god" and "oh yes" during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say "oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality" im suddenly ruining the mood??

@bobvulfov: sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it's time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

@bobvulfov: what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka