Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bobvulfov's best tweets

@bobvulfov : me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

@bobvulfov: chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

@bobvulfov: ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

@bobvulfov: when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they'll know about the wedding but won't be allowed to go

@bobvulfov: NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

@bobvulfov: ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

@bobvulfov: me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

@bobvulfov: day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

@bobvulfov: genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

@bobvulfov: genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn't working right now