Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bobvulfov's best tweets

@bobvulfov : DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn't touch my property

@bobvulfov: BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y'all. one hop this time

@bobvulfov: (staying in on a friday night) this is depressing and lonely

(at a bar on a friday night) oh wow i hate this more

@bobvulfov: im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

@bobvulfov: DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

@bobvulfov: [i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

@bobvulfov: ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

@bobvulfov: FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

@bobvulfov: me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

@bobvulfov: why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta