Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bobvulfov's best tweets

@bobvulfov : genie: hello- me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

@bobvulfov: genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn't working right now

@bobvulfov: 2008: i guess i'd prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

@bobvulfov: me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

@bobvulfov: hm so saying "oh god" and "oh yes" during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say "oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality" im suddenly ruining the mood??

@bobvulfov: sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it's time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

@bobvulfov: what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

@bobvulfov: (whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

@bobvulfov: gonna pet so many people's dogs while they're distracted looking at the eclipse

@bobvulfov: demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it'll never work