Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bobvulfov's best tweets

@bobvulfov : sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight after two beers: it's time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

@bobvulfov: what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

@bobvulfov: (whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

@bobvulfov: gonna pet so many people's dogs while they're distracted looking at the eclipse

@bobvulfov: demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it'll never work

@bobvulfov: DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn't touch my property

@bobvulfov: BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y'all. one hop this time

@bobvulfov: (staying in on a friday night) this is depressing and lonely

(at a bar on a friday night) oh wow i hate this more

@bobvulfov: im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

@bobvulfov: DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool