My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
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The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
*puts my mental health in rice
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Very problematic
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?