Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Lucky old June.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money