I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
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Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire