Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
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I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.