@bonehugsnirony: me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
@bonehugsnirony: me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
@bonehugsnirony: boss: can we talk?
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
@bonehugsnirony: If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
@bonehugsnirony: Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
@bonehugsnirony: depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
@bonehugsnirony: me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
@bonehugsnirony: [someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
@bonehugsnirony: [first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me