Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bonehugsnirony's best tweets

@bonehugsnirony : Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

@bonehugsnirony: [someone compliments me]
Me: thanks
Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything
Me: please don't
Brain: lol yes

@bonehugsnirony: Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

@bonehugsnirony: Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

@bonehugsnirony: Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

@bonehugsnirony: A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that's how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

@bonehugsnirony: Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

@bonehugsnirony: If you don't want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@bonehugsnirony: [my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I'm bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

@bonehugsnirony: [at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you're underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship