@bonehugsnirony: [first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
@bonehugsnirony: Me: algebra is a scam lmao
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
@bonehugsnirony: Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
@bonehugsnirony: Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
@bonehugsnirony: Me:  I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me:  last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
@bonehugsnirony: [someone compliments me]
Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything
Me: please don't
Brain: lol yes
@bonehugsnirony: Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
@bonehugsnirony: Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
@bonehugsnirony: Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.